Someone shit on the floor
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize