I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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