I wish I could teleport
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize