thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
