someone threw a dead crab at me
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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