i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
