I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
