why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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