only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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