Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
