where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize