There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
