Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
