I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
