I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You ruined the universe
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
