just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
