i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
