i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Randomize