Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
