I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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