im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
