Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I believe in your delicious
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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