apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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