Well douche your snatch and let's go!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
please come you make the beer taste better
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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