nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
