he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
