Umm I'm too high to move.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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