Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
