note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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