I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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