Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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