I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize