Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize