Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize