Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
