evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
