Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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