At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
