Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
