and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize