from now on my penis is your penis
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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