I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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