Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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