I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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