Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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