What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize