Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
