My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
