there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
