So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My feet surprised me
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
