wanna go halves on a baby?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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