From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I think i got beer on your cat.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
