I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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