He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
