He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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