last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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