I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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