Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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