My first STD was from a foam party
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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