I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
