If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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