Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
