They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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