There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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