the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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