I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
