I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
