i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
