I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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