Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
