I cockslap morals
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
