the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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